Eternal Rest Grant Unto English O Lord

Languages are an indispensable part of human existence, for they are the basis of almost all forms of communication. The beauty of any language is in its freedom of expression. Most languages are quite powerful; powerful in the sense that they allow innumerable ways of expressing oneself; they provide interesting and groovy linguistic tools of pun, irony, personification and a lot more.

A language entitles its user a truck load of power, and a common man with a limited knowledge of the language and with some wit and imagination can exploit this power to draw a wonderful masterpiece on the canvas of comprehension. However, most people seldom realize that with great power comes great responsibility: and the result of their companionship with the language is more often than not a collection of alphabets with spaces in between diffusing an ambiguous sense, or no sense at all; in other words: human forged textual gibberish in its crude canonical form.

The internet is full of such quintessential rubbish. This document is addressed to our kewl brothers and sisters who, in an attempt to appear kewl, tap their keyboards in the “wrong” spots while they type out stuff they publish on the internet. This could be considered an unofficial bulletin on the incorrect usage of language or whatever you wish to call it. From this point onwards, I’ll use language which is more “socially acceptable” by the “netizens”.

Guys and gals, understand that what you put up on the internet is actually addressed to folks of all age groups and backgrounds, and anyone can read it. So be a little more patient and considerate when exercising your freedom of speech (or rather text). Perhaps, some of you might find the following pointers useful (and some of you will find it annoying).

1. Spelling Mistakes: It appears like spelling words correctly is out of fashion today. Nowadays even numerals find their places in the midst of alphabets. I believe this is not a good sign for a language. English is spoken all over the world and to ensure that every English using guy understands every other English using guy, there needs to be a standard way of spelling things. There was once a time pupils were penalized for errors in spelling: those were the days. I wish such measures were enforced by Websites today.
People spell my as mah, life as lyf, fine as f9, me as meeh and what not. Seriously dudes, you completely deprive your statements of all sense when you do stuff like this. Incomprehension is something no sane person appreciates; yet you do it. I found this in the about me section of someone’s profile on a social networking site:
i'M nOT GoNNa tEll YA A THainG ABt Meh!!! ><....WhatYU gOnnA Do ABoUT iT huh!!??!!.....

What the hell is that supposed to mean? How did this person ever complete school?

TIP: Use a Dictionary. If you don’t have it, buy one and if you’re experiencing a financial crisis, download one for free.

2. Grammatical and Syntactical Errors: Well, one thing follows another. I’ve found that the internet is the largest source of ill-formed sentences. A sentence, by definition, is a collection of words making some sense. If spelling errors deprive the sentences of the intended meaning, the intention is lost as soon as grammatical errors creep in. And then life becomes tough. Observation indicates that three out of five people fail to handle sentences having four or more words. As shameful as it might sound, it is true: most people are not aware of the way the language works, and their grammar falls apart in every sentence they write. Consider again,
WhatYU gOnnA Do ABoUT iT huh!!??!!
This piece of text (I wish I could call it a sentence) seems to be a waste of words, and symbols of course. There’s a verb missing as well.

I don’t know if it was a typo or not but someone once asked me, “What does your travel site called?” I could extract at least three meanings from the sentence; fortunately it is easy to grasp the intended one here.

Most people are unaware of the concept of Subject-Verb Agreement. An aftermath would be, Howz you? (While someone who wrote this might think it is cool, it is incorrect still.)

Some people suck at using the correct tense of a verb. A common error would be, “Care didn’t killed the cat.” Perhaps, this is the most common error in writing that the internet is infested with.

Then there are syntactical errors. Note the “!!??!!” that marks the end of the about me example. However, such errors are allowed, as long as they don’t interfere with comprehension. Besides, some people seldom use quotation marks while others put them like toppings on a pepperoni pizza (like when they tear apart the oregano seasoning sachet and sprinkle it everywhere, and the flakes come to rest wherever they’re lucky to fall) .

3. Literary Piracy: Yes, plagiarism is widespread. People even say the same things about themselves (the notorious - about me - section again). And most often, what people say about themselves happens to be the lyrics of some Enrique song.

4. Using illegible fonts: Thanks to Orkut Stylish Fonts, readers are confused like never before. It takes more time to understand the symbols than extracting sense out of the trumpery. Once again, let me assure you, the stylish fonts are hardly cool.

5. Unneeded exhibition of attitude: Well, this has nothing to do with literacy or lack of it. Still it requires a mention because it meddles with the semantics of the text. Someone wrote this somewhere:

“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”
One question to be asked from oneself before propagating thoughts that are borrowed from elsewhere should be “Am I really what I’m suggesting I am?”

It is noteworthy how few people fail to notice the self contradictory nature of their accounts. The same person - in the five things I can’t live without section - wrote my mom, my dad …

TIP: Don’t just say stuff you don’t intend to propagate, just for the sake of saying. Or better consult your parents before putting stuff up there.

6. Lack of Understanding: Since the dictionaries have been out of town, there is utter chaos in the world of understanding. People assume stuff, when there are ways of finding out. Almost every girl’s Orkut profile has “mirror cracking material” in the looks column. Well, FYI people, “mirror cracking material” is used in a bad sense, if you know what I mean. It is ugliness exaggerated: ugliness to the extent that even the mirror cracks at the sight. Don’t blame Orkut for setting a tempting trap for you if you fell for it: the options are arranged in the decreasing order of the aesthetic value; still people choose the last option without noticing.

I was talking to this stylish NIFT creature once and I asked her, “So what does your old man do?” and she said, “Which one? I’ve been in several relationships?” People certainly do not think before answering. FYI lady, “old man” is an informal term for one’s father. She should’ve asked me to clarify before risking the reputation of you know who (let’s see if you can figure out who are the two people whose reputations are under threat here).

TIP: Find out, don’t assume. You have the right to know stuff if you don’t already. Believe me, no one thinks of you as un-cool if you ask them what they intend to say. Or better use other resources (like the dictionary or Yahoo answers) to find out.